Comments on: Anyone Have Any Hilarious Jokes Old Or New?

By: El Gringo

El Gringo — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 22:18:52 +0000

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesn’t scream when one sticks it in an oven.

By: Rock N' Roll Junkie

Rock N' Roll Junkie — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 21:33:01 +0000

What’s the difference between a black guy and a hooker?
Only the hooker has to clean her crack!
No, I’m not racist. It’s just a sick joke I heard.

By: ?haggisb

?haggisb — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:44:56 +0000

Man and a giraffe went into a pub, by the end of the evening they are so drunk the giraffe falls over, barman says to the man, you can’t leave that lying there, man says it’s not a lion it’s a giraffe.

By: giko

giko — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:20:59 +0000

Try this on your mom:-
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, “Don’t Miss The Amazing Italian.”
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, “Don’t Miss The Amazing Italian.”
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
You’re incredible!” he told the Italian, “But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”
“Well,” said the Italian, “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.”

By: tsd574

tsd574 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:35:48 +0000

not jokes but looney laws:
1. In kentucky, its against the law to throw eggs at a public speaker.
2. In Shawnee, Ok, its illegal for 3 or more dogs to “meet” on private property w/o the consent of the owner.
3. In Hartford, Ct, transporting a cadaver by taxi is punishable by a $5 fine.
4. In Michigan, its illegal for a woman to cut her own hair without her husbands permission.
5. In Maryland, its against the law for grandchildren to marry their grandparents.
True laws in the U.S.

By: ?

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:14:34 +0000

Explain to your mom that you asked for jokes and I sent two words. She will get it. Those two words are “Hillery Clinton”. Wish her the best and we all hope you both do well.

By: Yazan

Yazan — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:51:52 +0000

Car Painting
A Blondie, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The Blondie said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the Blondie came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the Blondie answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the Blondie added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari!

By: toxicand

toxicand — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:49:23 +0000

Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a gernade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, “little girl, little girl, why are you crying?” and the little girl said, “an apple came down and killed my new kitty”.
Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, “little boy, little boy, why are you crying?” and the little boy said, “a lemon came down and killed my new puppy.” Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, “why are you laughing so hard?” and the blonde said, “I farted and the building behind me blew up!!”
Blind man
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry sir, but I am blind, and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

By: miracleM

miracleM — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:18:13 +0000

Hope this’ll help.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If
the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around
me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked.
“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

By: X-Woman

X-Woman — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:12:27 +0000

Your mom maybe know’s this one then. But here goes. I’ll do my best. lol.
A little boy walking by a church with his little red wagon is stopped by a priest who said “Would you like to come in a say a prayer today?” The little boy said “Who will watch my little red wagon?” The priest replyed ” Oh the only ghost will watch over it.”
The boy goes in and kneels down and says the name of the cross. ” In the name of the father,in the name of the son.” The priest ask why he left out the only ghost. The little boy said ” Because he is outside watching my little red wagon.
P.S. My mother is 86yrs old and she loves a good laugh too.
Take care and hi to your mom. I just said a little prayer for you mom.