Attention All Christians ,muslims And Jews, Have You Heard Any Good Religious Jokes Lately?
Filed in Category Religious Jokes
I am looking for a group of outrageously funny people to open the inaugural Papal comedy festival.
So here is your opportunity to tell us your favorite joke and give us just a small sample of how funny you can be.
All applications will be considered on their merit without favoritism or bias, as long as you are genuinely funny.
Best of luck.
8 Comments so far
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so they can say God didn’t do it.
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“Oh, I don’t have it, Father” the drunk answered. “I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Child creationist and child evolutionist talking:
Child creationist: Our grandparents were Bible-believers, they told us that we came from Adam and Eve.
Child evolutionist: Nay, that’s fictitious story; our grandparents were both scientists, and they told us that we came from apes.
Child creationist: Nay, I’m talking about the origin of our family — not yours!
A hooker became born again but did not want to tell her friends she was going to church every night. So every night she would leave her friends and go to church and not tell them even when they would ask her. She would always make up some type of excuse. So one night one of her drunk friends decided to follow her and see where she was going every night. So she follow her into a church and sit in the back and watch. The hook stood up and made a confession to the whole church and said she have been in the arm of rich and poor men, very powful men but right now she is in the arm of Jesus. Her drunk friend in the back stood up and shouted that right hoe **** them all
Yeah. If the Bible was written by modern day teens, these are some examples of how it would have been:
1. The Ten Commandments are actually five because it is double-spaced and written in a large font.
2. Loaves and fishes would be replaced by pizza and chips
3. Paul’s letter to the Romans would be Paul’s email to the Romans
4. Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have waited six days then pulled off an all-nighter.
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
“I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I’ll have a basketball team!” said the Catholic.
“That’s nothing!” said the Baptist. ”I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I’ll have a football team!”
“You both should be ashamed of yourselves!” said the Mormon. ”I have seventeen wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind’s filthy ways. Jesus says he’s going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it’s used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water… but soon the water is up to Paul’s chin. “Master,” he calls, “I will follow you anywhere, but I’m up to my neck in shitty water and I think I’m going to drown.” At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. “Well,” he says, “why don’t you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?”
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
“OH MY GOD! …”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving …
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around…
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?”
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”
“VERY WELL.” Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
… and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”
did you hear the one “jesus is real and i’m going to hell”
and
“anything in the bible is real and true”