Religious Jokes?
Filed in Category Religious Jokes
What joke about your own religion makes you laugh the most? Joke, or saying, or whatever makes you laugh.
Both as far as entertaining you, and at how ignorant it is.
for example.
“Asatru, The religion with homework.”- This is entertaining
“Pagans worship the devil.”-This is ignorant.
Please keep things clean, and respectful.
8 Comments so far
Heathen Lightbulb Jokes
How many Reconstructionist Heathens does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None; if our ancestors managed without lightbulbs, so can we !
How many Fundamentalist Heathens does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None; the light from the burning monastery is enough, thank you.
How many Scandinavian Heathens ?
- About a dozen. One holds the lightbulb and the others drink enough to make the room spin.
How many Lokeans ?
- Think twice. Do you really want a Lokean to handle your electricity ?
Well, how many Lokeans ?
- *answer is lost in the wailing of the firetruck siren*
How many Theodish ?
- The whole tribe, but the performance will be lead according to custom by the Heogh Beolb Changere.
How many Folkish ?
- Just one, but it takes a while to find one with pure enough ancestry to be worthy to touch the lightbulb.
How many Universalists ?
- Lots. Each has got a differently sized bulb, and tries to make it fit.
How many Organized Heathens ?
- Seven. One to hold the Hammer Ritual and hallow the four walls, one to sing a galdr with Kenaz, one to perform Seidh on behalf of
the deceased bulb´s spirit, one to write the newsletter report, and three to go off and found their own way of light-bulb changing.
How many Vanatru does it take to screw in a light-bulb ?
- “Screw is such a base word for Sacred Sexuality…”
How many Lore-Cracks ?
- Well, since Snorri didn´t mention lightbulbs, none were excavated and there´s no Old Norse word for it,
I´m afraid we cannot say for certain whether lightbulb changing was an integral part of our ancestors´ faith.
How many Modernist Heathens ?
- I don´t know. Let´s call the electrician.
How many Homesteading Heathens ?
- “Now lightbulbs, you gotta plant them in spring…”
How many Odinists ?
- None. The death of the lightbulb is part of Odin´s plan for humankind. It will return from Hel after Ragnarok.
How many Soulmatrix Workers ?
- Just one. As the old lightbulb´s litr and önd seem to have gone out in a flash of odhr, he invokes the bulb´s disir
and invites its fylga to settle into the new bulb according to wyrd, hopefully with better hamingja next time.
How many Seidhworkers ?
- A chorus of nine is chanting, while the Seidhworker accompanies the late bulb´s spirit to the Gate of Hel (hoping it will be reborn
to its tribe later), then conveniently screws the new bulb in from his High Seat under the socket.
How many RuneVitkis ?
- One, but it´s really hard to scratch runes on the glass.
How many Christian-Bashers ?
- Lightbulbs are the product of a Christian culture. Good riddance !
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What is a heathen idea of a balanced diet?
- A horn of mead in each hand!
A Heathen dies. After walking along a road for a while, he comes to a fiery place filled with smoke, stench and horrible screaming, and recognizes several Christians writhing in the flames.
He exclaims, “No **** ! So the Christians were right,
and I´m going to Hell !”
“Don´t you worry”, said a valkyrie riding by. “Asgard is just round the bend of the road. This is Muspellheim and its fire-thurses… Who knows why, but the Christians wanted it that way. We try to accommodate everyone !”
The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on the fiery steed Arvakr.
He raised his hammer and bellowed, “I´M THOR ! I´M THOR !”
Arvakr looked up at him and muttered, “You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly!”
What has four feet, sharp teeth and one hand ?
- Fenris !
Did you hear of the Voodoo tribe that converted to Odinism ?
- Yeah, now they´re hanging their chicken on trees
Also read this one: http://www.lokis-laughter.com/jokes/fiel…
I can SOOOOO find myself there, LOL!
Here’s a saying:
You know what they say about Catholic girls?
When we are good we are really good and when we are bad we are even better.
That is why my husband married me.
the bible
Well, there’s the bit about Episcopalians: “Whereever two or three are gathered, there’s always room for a fifth.” (I was baptized in the Episcopal church.)
Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Do you know the Vikings were the first to accept Christianity freely. Too many Gods were too much too remember and Jesus had better wine.
I’m still laughing at Ymmo’s!!!!!!
I’m a elcectic Pagan and I get to laugh at everyone!!!!
I don’t know to many in the last 2000 years, but here are some ignorant ones:
-All Christians are insanely conservative and don’t open their minds to anyone but Christians
-All Christianity is the same
-Quakers are the same as Shakers
-Quakers aren’t Christan (A Catholic priest said this to an ex-dater of my stepdad, and I couldn’t believe that he said this causing the gal to try to convert him to Catholism which he hates)
-Anything saying quakers are insane nuts that aren’t Christan. We just believe in simplicity and barely have any hiarchy
(1) How many heterosexual Anglican priests does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but you’ll be waiting around in the dark forever! (2) A nun is walking in the cloister telling her beads when she stubs her toe and drops her rosary which shatters on the stones. “Oh, S#7T!” says the nun. Then quickly she says, “Oh, F^%K I said S#7T! Oh, S#7T I said F^%K…Oh, well, I always wanted to be an airline stewardess.”