What Are Some Good Dirty Jokes?
Filed in Category Dirty Jokes
me and my friend play this game where we tell the best dirty jokes that we have and i have run out of them. so i need some new ones lol. if you know any please write them down for me =]
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A woman stopped by at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed!
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”
A woman has never had the right partner,
So she writes a section of what her dream man is in the news paper
It says:
A man who is always loyal, a man who wont be violent or wont run away, and who is also good in bed.
A Month later a man rings her door bell
She can’t see anyone and a man Lying on the floor with no arms and no legs says down hear!
Then says i read you section in the news paper and im perfect
She says what makes you think that?
He says I have no arms so i can’t be violent
No legs so i can’t run away
She then asks what makes you good in bed?
he says well i rang the doorbell didnt i?
=)
The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”
i find this one hilarious!
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
“Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
Debra replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.”
Sure.
lol
So here is how the joke goes: Tell the person to answer “Ketchup and Liquor” to all the questions you ask them. Then ask “What did you have for breakfast?”. Then let them answer. Then ask “What did you have for lunch?”. Then let them answer. Then ask “What did you have for dinner?”. Then let them answer. Then ask “If you saw a naked girl walking down the street, what would you do?”. Then let them answer.
Dumb, Dumber & Smart, were all walking down a quiet street one day, they were very hungry, after a while they turned into a really posh street, its getting dark and they have no where to stay, and no food to eat, so dumb decides to walk up to a mansion in this street, he knocks on the door, and a woman opens the Door and says “yes”, then dumber looks up and says ” can i have a pickle?” she wacks him over the head with a pan and slams the door in his face, he walks back to dumber and smart and says, “mm i tried” so dumber goes “watch and learn” as he walks up to the door and rings the doorbell, the woman opens up and says “yes” dumber looks up and says “im hungry can i have somethin?” she slaps him across the face and slams the door on him, dumber walks back to dumb and smart and says “well, that didn’t go according to plan” smart looks at them both and says “idiots, you do it like this..” smart walks up to the door and says as she opens the door, “please miss i have no food, nowhere to sleep and no place left to go, please help me im so hungry.” she then looks at him and says ” aww you poor thing come inside, we’re having a roast tonight” smart turns around and winks at dumb and dumber as their mouths drop. Smart walks inside and the woman closes the door, that night he sat down to a lovely roast dinner, with roast potatoes and carrots and pumpkin, and of course the meat, when he had finished he thanked the woman and asked to sleep on her couch. she then said “i was hoping we could go up stairs and.. ” smart looked at her with open eyes and said “ohh that.. yeah sure.” she went up stairs to get ready, and just as she finished he grabbed a carrot to do the job, when he’d finished with the carrot, he threw it out the window. The next morning he thanked her and left. When he caught up with dumb and dumber that morning, they said to him, “aye what did you have for dinner last night?” and he said ” aww it was soo good, we had a roast diner wiht roast vegetables, it was great, how about you guys, what did you have?” dumb and dumber looked at smart and said “all we had was a greasy carrot”
Hahaha. Have fun aye. xx
There is a man that’s starting a bar and he’s trying to think of a name. He puts a sign on the window that says “anyone who can get this bar a name can have a free drink when it opens”. Another man walks by and sees the sign, and then he sees a beautiful woman. He asks her her name, and she tells him her name is lisa. So the man walks into the bar and tells the bartender that he should name his bar “Lisa’s legs”. The bartender agrees to it and tells him that he can come back fist thing the next morning for his free drink. The next morning the man is standing around looking suspicious, waiting for the bar to open. A police man comes up and asks the man what he’s doing. He calmly tells the police man ” I’m waiting for Lisa’s Legs to open so I can get a drink.
A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says”hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope”. He says ” who’s that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says “what? r u joking? The friend replies,”no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says “Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies”I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!”
For a whole lot more go to the link below =]
There is a wet pussy and a dry pussy. 1 of the girls sat why is your pussy wet and my pussy dry.The girl says,”Because I am horny and you are not horny”.
What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her vagina?
–> did you ever see grass grow on a busy high way?
There was this kid that always got picked on at school. Everyday his friends and kids that went to school always said to him f**k you. Well the dumb kid always was curious about what the word f**k means. One day he got real sad and wanted to know what it meant, so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father. He yelled “pah” and then his pa came out and asked what the hell you want boy? The boy said “pah” what does f**k mean. And then his pah said son I think its time you knew what f**k means. Pah then yelled out “mah” get down here, son wants to know what f**k means. Mah comes down stairs, pah says mah take off your clothes and get in your position. He turns to his son and says, son you see that pink spot on mah.”uh huh” watch your pah go to work. Then the boy’s sister came in the door and says what are they doin? The boy turns his head and with a smile he says they are f*cking. Sister says what does f**k mean.
WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH “uh huh” WATCH YOUR BROTHER GO TO WORK.
there is a guy who works at a sandwhich shop and his friends bet him 50 buchs that he wouldnt stick his dick in the pickle slicer. so when he gets home, he shows his wife the money and tells her the story and so she checks to see if its still there and it is so she says “but what about the pickle slicer?” so he replys ” oh she liked it too.
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal…
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, ” Can you help me point my penis” ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, ” Hey! I’m grabbing it right”? ” So I should look, I have a right”!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. ” What the hell is wrong with it ?”
The “armless” man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says “I dunno, but, I ain’t touchin’ it.” and walks away.
everytime you pause tell the person to say im a man.
You: i woke up this morning
Them: im a man
You: i walked down the street
Them: im a man
You: i meet this girl
Them: im a man
You: We went to the bar
Them: Im a man.
You: we went to my house
Them: im a man
You: we got in the bed
Them: im a man
You: she said to me
Them: im a man
Once i had a co worker and he was one the company disability list and we asked him what was wrong and he said my penis has turned orange. We asked how this could of happen and what he does at home. He said all i do at home is eat cheetos and watch porn
wanna hear a dirty joke?
The pig rolled in the mud.
An even dirtier one?
The boy rolled in the mud.
haha funny?
maybe it’s just funny to me.
Big Bad Wolf goes up to Red Riding Hood and says “Let me suck your t*ts”
“F that” Red Riding Hood says, pulling down her pants. “Just eat me like the book says”
Bring on the thumbs down.
your moms vaginas so hairy that when you were born you almost got a rug burn
knock knock
whos there
foriegner
foriegner who
i couldnt get foreigner i could only fit three
People are so arrogant.
“I swear, the hooker gave the money back.”
what do you call 14 vagina’s stacked up on top of each other. . . A block of flaps
I tied Viagra today and it got stuck in my throat I’ve had a stiff neck since
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
-A gangbang
i will email them to you because i dont want to get in trouble haha
Okay. I wrote it down. Now what do I do?
Your mom did a split and permanently stained my floor.